Slipping away

In the past three days, mom has begun to slip away from this life.
Friday night, she was moving around a lot in her chair, like she couldn't get comfortable, so I asked her if she wanted to go to bed. She said very quietly, "yes". So I tried to get her up and out of her chair and into the wheel chair. "Mom can you put your arms up around me so I can help you get up?" She just kind of stared, so I put her arms up around me and tried to lift her. Her arms just flopped down and it was like lifting dead weight. So I hollered at Kelley and he came right down and said "Jean I'm going to lift you into the wheel chair." He picks her up easily and sets her gently into the wheelchair. She was kind of slumped over with her hands hanging down, so we decide to skip the trip to bathroom before bed.
We wheeled into her bedroom and Kelley picks her up and sets her in bed. I tried to get her jammies on, but ended up just getting the bottoms on and leaving her top she had on. She just seemed really tired. I got her a drink of water, but she shook her head no. That was the first time she had done that....she always wants a drink before she gets in bed.
I laid her back and got her all tucked in and tried to get her comfortable. I sat with her for a little while, Then went up to bed.
It was a warm night, so we got the fan going. That always helps me sleep better...I don't know if its the noise or the breeze, but it is soothing to me. I slept till 3. That's a pretty good night. Then I looked over at the monitor and could see mom thrashing around in bed, so I went down and gave her some morphine. She squeezed her lips shut tight when I tried to give it to her, so I slipped the dropper in on the side of her mouth. Her mouth was really dry, so I tried one of the sponge things Jessica had brought over. I got some cool water on her lips and she relaxed a little and let me get a little water in her mouth.
Saturday morning, I went down about 8:00, but she was still sleeping. I thought I would let her sleep till the aide came to help with her shower. I waited and waited for the aide to come...this was supposed to be a new one that was taking Rebecca's place. Well about 9:30, a girl called and said "Hello, is this Jean?" I was like, "no, I'm Jeans daughter" She said that mom was on her schedule that day and she wondered what time she should come out. I know everybody was on vacation this weekend, and she hadn't been told what mother's situation was. I told her I needed her help with mom's shower, so to come as soon as she could. I thought I would try to feed mom some breakfast while we were waiting for her. Kelley had made some cream of wheat, so I gave her some of that with a little banana mixed in to camouflage the taste. (She has told me before she doesn't like hot cereal.) She ate a few bites, then tipped her head back like she was getting nauseated. I asked her if she had had enough...she said yes.
The new aide got here about 10:30.
She was a nice younger girl named Karen. We went into mom's room and I introduced her to mom. Mom smiled and said hello. She was sweet and gentle with mom and helped her get out of bed and into the wheel chair. I stayed with her so I could help her and show her how mom likes her shower. When we got her up to sit on the toilet, she seemed weak, but was able to get up and step into the shower with our help.
Karen got her all showered and dried and was putting lotion on her when mom went limp and slumped over. We got her to the toilet and tried to get her clothes on. When we tried to stand her up, she was just like a rag doll...her legs not holding her at all.
Teina and Brenda had just got here. I hollered at them to get the wheel chair and they brought it into the bathroom and between all of us, we got her into the comfy chair. Oh my goodness... this poor new aide really got a rough initiation that first morning. She was just sweating and looked like she had been through the wringer. She was worried because she hadn't brushed mom's teeth or fixed her hair. I was just like....that's the least of mom's worries at this point.
Karen said the earliest she could come on Sunday was 10:30, so I told her not to worry about it...that I needed help earlier in the morning.
Teina and Brenda had come down to be with mom to celebrate Mother's day. I was glad they were there to see how mom was. Mom laid there in the recliner and slept for several hours. When she woke up, I tried to feed her a little soup and she surprisingly ate several bites. She seemed a little perkier, so Teina fixed her hair. Then Teina and Brenda gave her their gifts. She couldn't really open them, so they opened them for her and read her their sweet cards. We all tried to talk with her, but she couldn't really respond.
My sisters offered to stay a while with mom so I could get out of the house for a while. I took them up on it and ran a bunch of errands I had been putting off.
When I got back, mom was asleep so we decided to got get some lunch together. It was nice to spend this time with my sisters...wish we were closer so we could do it all the time.
When we went back to the house, I asked them if they would help me get mom to the bathroom before they left. It sure is easier when you have extra hands to help. When we got her on the toilet, I noticed her depends was dry. That was really unusual and scared me when the thought of her kidneys shutting down came into my mind. She sat there for a while, but couldn't do anything and was starting to slump over, so we got her up and back into her chair.
She slept most of the rest of the day. Later, I tried to feed her a little soup, but after a few bites, she said "no more". She seemed restless and uncomfortable in the chair so
Kelley helped me get her into bed. I helped her put on her pretty new jammies Teina had given her for Mothers day, and turned on Lawrence Welk. She was asleep in just a minute.
I had kind of a fit ful night, watching the monitor and having night sweats. Not cool.
I started dozing off about 5:30....about the time Kelley was getting up. I rolled over and looked at the monitor again and couldn't see mom's head on her pillow. I looked closer and could see that she had turned her self sideways and had her legs hanging off the side of the bed and she was laying completely sideways.
I came down and was like "mom...what you doing all sideways like this? " She had her eyes shut, and didn't open them when I moved her back onto the bed straight. She was moving her arms and legs like she was awake, but didn't open her eyes. I sat next to her and tried for a while to get her to respond to me, but she couldn't.
I called Rocky Mountain and they said they would send the nurse right out. Cheryl was on vacation this week, so they were sending someone new. He got here about an hour later. He was very nice and sat and talked with me for a while, asking me questions about how mother has been the past few days. Then he listened to her heart and lungs and felt her bladder to see if it was full. He said it wasn't, so that wasn't making her uncomfortable. He said her bowels and kidneys had kind of gone to sleep though...so that was why she hadn't been making any urine. He couldn't get any reading on the oxygen level test that they do on her finger and he said her heart isn't pumping strong enough to circulate the blood to her fingers and toes anymore. That's why her hands felt so cold.
About this time, Candice got here and came into mom's room. I had told her what was going on a little earlier. She sat and listened with me as the nurse explained what was happening to mom's body. I was glad she was there with me.
He said mom's heart is just kind of sloshing the blood through instead of making a good pump. He said the blood will start to pool in her ankles and hands and face and make them swell and that her lungs will start to get fluid in them too as she isn't strong enough to pump it through them. He related it to a soaker hose that works well when the faucet is turned on high...the water gets clear to the end of the hose... but when the pressure is down low, the water just sits in the hose .
He said that she can still hear when we talk to her though, even if she seems to be asleep, she just can't respond....so to keep talking to her. He told us about another drug in her care kit that is supposed to calm her when she is flailing her arms and legs around and gave her a dose of it before he left. He asked if we had any questions and I asked how long she could go on like this. He said she would probably pass within a couple days.
Just then, the phone rang. It was KC calling for Mother's day. Kelley answered while I finished up with the nurse. I think Kelley must have told him about mom cause he was crying when I got on the phone.
It was so great to talk with him. His voice sounded so deep and I said something about it and he said he had had a cold for a few weeks. We talked about things here and he told me about what he had been doing there...about his new companion and some people he had been teaching. Then he said " I have something really exciting to tell you...in June, Russell M Nelson is coming and they are going to form the first stake in Russia! He said when they announced it to the members there it was really cool because they were all crying they were so happy. He said he was so grateful he had chosen to stay till August instead of coming home in May (which were his choices) so he could be a part of this incredible, long waited for event.
Candice and Kelley both talked with KC for a little while...he had an hour phone card so he had a little time to call Kate and Camille too. Before he hung up he asked me if I thought grandma could hear what was going on. I said yes. He said "can I talk to her?"
So I held the phone up to her (better) ear and he talked. I couldn't hear much of what he said...I kept getting close so I could hear if he was finished though and I heard him say that he loved her and he was glad that we know we can all be together again someday.
Mom had a sweet peaceful look on her face as KC finished talking to her.
Sure do love my boy.
I called Teina, Brenda and Leslie to let them know what was happening. I could only reach Teina, so I left messages for Brenda and Leslie.
Kelley had to go to his meetings, and I was glad Candice was there with me. We sat with mom all morning, then I decided I might as well go to church. I'm really glad I did because Kelley had contacted all of the missionaries serving in our ward and had them write a note to their mom and send it to him so he could read them over the pulpit. It was pretty special and I think meant a lot to all the moms...I know it did to me.
I had to teach YW today and was pretty much a basket case, but got through it. Part of my lesson was talking about how we were with Heavenly Father before we came to this earth, and the choices we made there affected our lives now in mortality. It talks about how this life is so short of time when compared with our next life...eternal life that never ends! and the choices we make in this life will affect how we spend our eternity...that's a long time. We better make good ones! It was comforting to me to talk about it and ponder the amazing blessings waiting for us there if we live our lives how we are supposed to and endure to the end....( I have a whole new perspective on enduring to the end now!)
I got a real peaceful feeling as I thought about the mansion ( I'm sure to be surrounded with the most exquisite flower gardens imaginable) that has been prepared for mother as she has lived her life walking in Christ's footsteps, and what was waiting for mom on the other side of the ever thinning veil. I thought about what a joyful reunion she will soon be having with daddy and her family and friends who have gone before her and suddenly, I didn't feel like crying anymore.
When I got home from church, Teina and Lynn were here sitting with mom.
Brenda and Leslie and Alan came a little later. There really isn't anything we can do, but just to make her as comfortable as possible and let her know we are here with her and of our love for her.
We talked a little about what we thought she would want for her funeral and what arrangements would need to be made. We tried to think of people we would want to let know when she passes. She is about the last of all of her dear friends still living, but she has many ward members who love her and lots of family and extended family that need to be contacted.
I was so glad to have my sisters here to talk to and lighten my load.
They are working things out with work and home so they can all be here with mom again tomorrow. So grateful for them. I think the experiences in these precious last few days are creating ties that will bind our family forever.