It's been 1 month today since mom passed away.

I think of her and miss her about a hundred times a day.

The grief counselor from Rocky Mountain Care sent me a packet on dealing with her death today... hmmmmmm this would have been really cool to have about four weeks ago when I was pretty sure I was going crazy.... I was really scaring myself ( and I imagine my family too,) that week after she died.

A few examples... I was going to meet Candice at The Rack in Sugar House...I missed my exit and ended up somewhere up by the mountains... I had to call Candice and tell her I was lost...then it still took me about an hour to find my way there. When I pulled up, Candice just looked at me like...mom's lost it... "It's ok mom...that happens to everyone...I was hardly waiting at all...the streets are really confusing up here" and lots of other nice things like that.

Then the next day, I was trying to find a dress to wear to the funeral, so I went out to South Town mall. I parked down by Maceys and started making my way through the stores...I looked and looked till I just couldn't look anymore. Everything was either too slutty, (short, sleeveless or low cut) or else it looked like I was about 80 years old. My feet were killing me ( I had worn a pair of flip flops that were not a good choice)

Anyway, that mall is huge, and after I had made my way from one end to the other and back again, I had had it. So I go to leave back in Macey's and there are no doors where I am supposed to go out! I got to second guessing myself..." did I park here or at Dillards?" So I walk clear back to the other side of the mall to Dillards...."Nooooooo that's not it!"

By this time, I was ready to cry. When the sales women in Dillards asked me if she could help me, I had a vision in my mind of me exploding into tears and screaming at her..."NO! You can't help me! My mom just died, my feet are killing me, I can't find a stupid dress to wear,, and I lost my car!"

Haven't you always wanted to do that? When they ask so sweetly " How are you today?"...don't you ever just want to tell them...how you REALLY are?

Well I mumbled something to her with tears running down my face, ( she probably thought I was a psycho) and headed back down to Maceys.

When I got there, I realized there are two floors, and I had come in on the top floor...Yes! there's those doors that I came in through! I was never so happy to just sit down in my car, so I just sat there and had a good cry.

Those were just a couple of examples...there was more that I won't go into right now.

Anyway, this grief packet told me that these behaviors are all "normal"....that's good to know! I like how one of the things is that you feel like you're going crazy! I coulda used that info back then!!

It mentioned a bunch of other things people go through when they lose someone they love..a lot of them really hit home with me...

A feeling of emptiness

Weight gain...(trying to fill up the empty feeling but I think it's my heart thats empty, not my stomach)

I seriously can hardly do up my pants.

Decreased energy, motivati0n... Ahhhhhhh I just don't feel like doing anything!

Overly sensitive to noise. ( I keep thinking we need it to be quiet so mom can sleep)

Anxiety... panic attacks...can't make a decision

Can't sleep...that's nothing new

Keep feeling like I need to hurry home to be with mom

Absent -minded...forgetting to do important things...can't remember where I parked the car, stuff like that.

Decrease in activity...just sitting there on the couch ... I used to always try to at least be doing some stitchery or something productive while I was sitting there...now...what-ever.

Restlessness...feel like I should be doing something, but don't know what.

Forgetfulness

Feeling useless

Dread: fear of others that I love dying.

I know things will get better in time....some of these feelings are starting to ease up and diminish...Just gotta be patient with myself...sure grateful for good people around me that have been so patient with me too!

I try to picture myself having another chance to sit and talk with mom...to be able to tell her about how I've been feeling, and everything that's been going on. She was always there for me... with a comforting smile, a listening ear and good advice...she could somehow always make me feel better and like I was strong enough to get through whatever came my way. We would probably have a good laugh over some of the dumb things I do...

Sure do miss you mom.