This has been a rough day. When I got mom up this morning, she seemed better than yesterday. Still kind of out of it...didn't know where she was. I got her all ready for the day, then had her sit in the other big chair because the comfy chair was still wet from where she spilled her water yesterday. I fixed her a waffle and some oranges and bacon for breakfast cause I thought maybe she would be able to eat it if she could just pick it up herself. She can't use the fork very good these days. She can't quite get it up to her mouth. When I set her food in front of her, she acted like she didn't know what to do with it, so I fed her. She ate pretty good like that. She nodded off after breakfast and slept most of the morning. I came down about 12:30 to take her to the bathroom. She was awake, but didn't look right. I said 'Mom should we get into the bathroom?' She just stared at me with this real blank look on her face. I took her hands to help her up but she was just limp. I was like 'mom are you ok?' She didn't respond. I thought if she got sitting up better, she would perk up, so I got her out of the seat and into the wheelchair. I took her in the bathroom and tried to help her stand up and hold onto the rail. She just went kind of limp again. I could see that wasn't going to happen, so I got her back into the wheelchair and took her into her bed. I thought if I could lay her down on the bed, I could change her depends. I'm not sure how I got her there, but she ended up on the bed kind of laying sideways. She was really out of it and I was getting really scared. I got her all cleaned up and helped her lay more comfortable in the bed, then I went and called Rocky Mountain hospice. Mom's nurse was off today, so they hooked me up with her replacement. A male nurse named Lynn. I explained what had happened and he said he would be over in a few minutes. I called Teina to let her know what was going on. It was calming to just be able to talk to her. She said she would come right down, but I told her I had the hospice nurse coming and to wait and see what he said we should do. In the mean time, I went back in with mom. I had turned the tv on in her room, but she was just staring at the ceiling. I asked her if she wanted me to read to her. Nothing; so I got one of her old journals and started reading to her. It was a real old one...from 1957. Mom was writing this time and was telling about how daddy had played for a new years eve dance and had made 10 dollars. She said he had given it to her and told her to get herself something nice. I stopped and looked over at mom. It was like something clicked and she said "Del was so good to me" We talked a little bit more, then the nurse came. I told him she had perked up a little bit. He said this happens as people start to decline. She can seem pretty good, then have a few bad days, then seem pretty good again, but just not quite as good as she was before. He came in and was really sweet with her. He checked her blood pressure and oxygen level. He said everything looked pretty normal. I felt kind of stupid for calling him then, but he assured me that I had done the right thing. He said they want to know what is going on with her and they are there to help any time. He said to just watch her and let them know if there was any change. I was like bbbbbut but but how can I get her to the bathroom, when she can't even stand up. At this point, mom had thrown her legs over the side of the bed and was looking like she was going to leap out. I said 'Mom can you stand up?" She said "of course" and stood with our help and got into the wheel chair. The nurse said 'I think she will be ok now." She slept most of the afternoon, then I got her some dinner and she ate pretty good with me feeding her. The Relief Society presidency came over a little later to meet mom. They were wonderful with her...sure do love those ladies. She chatted with them for a while, then as I walked them out, they started asking more questions about her situation. I told them about what she is and isn't able to do. They were very understanding and offered to come sit with her anytime I needed to get out. About nine, I asked mom if she was ready for bed. She said yes, so I tried to get her into the wheel chair. She doesn't seem to know how to get herself into the chair. I try to push-guide-lift her into it, but ended up having to have Kelley help me. Thank goodness he is always there..."do you need some help?" I had quite the time getting her from the wheel chair to the toilet. She gets this grip on the hand rail and won't let go. As I am prying her fingers from the bar, telling her and telling her to let go so she can reach the toilet...I won't let you fall! I just keep thinking " I can't do this anymore" I don't want her to have to go into a nursing home. It makes me sick to think of how she would be cared for. or not cared for. I have heard horror stories and I just couldn't do that to her. I don't know what to do.....When I pour out my heart to Kelley, he tells me that we will keep her here as long as we can care for her...and he will help me any way he can. He knows how I feel about it and is so understanding and supportive. I am going to talk to the hospice people tomorrow and see if I can get more help....and hopefully mom will have a better day.