sigh....

This post is going to be all over the place because that's where my head is right now...all over the place.
We got home from a wonderful weekend in California with the family late Tuesday afternoon. I will have to do a different post about our trip. I will just say it was a few days of heaven for me.
So grateful to my sisters for making it possible for me to go. Teina was here when we got home. She said mum had gotten a cough a few days before and it had been getting progressively worse. She said mom had been coughing all night so she was pretty much exhausted the next day. Late afternoon, she started coughing really bad...like non stop. I had given her some cough medicine, but it didn't do anything.
So I called the nurse and told her what was going on. She told me to give her some Mucinex if I had any and if that didn't do anything then to give her some morphine. I questioned it cause she is not in any pain. The nurse said it will help calm her and stop the coughing. I gave her a mucinex, but it didn't stop the cough at all. I got her into bed, hoping once she got settled down, the coughing would stop.
I watched on her monitor but could see that she wasn't going to stop coughing. So I went and gave her some morphine. I sat with her for a while till she dozed off. She was breathing really fast which was unusual. She slept quietly till about 7:00.
Rebecca came this morning to help mom with her shower. While we were getting her ready, Rebecca says " I have to tell you something...I don't really know how to tell you.... but I gave my two week notice on Monday." She went on to tell me that she needed to quit so she could do better with her nursing school and give it her full attention. She said she has become so attached to mom, that it was breaking her heart to think of not seeing her anymore. She is a very special person...so kind and loving. She got down where she could look at mom's face and held her hands and explained to her that she was going to be going to school full time now, so she would only see her a few more times. She told her that she loved her and would miss her so much.
Mom said " I will miss you too...you have been so kind" By now we were all bawling. Oh man, Teina and I were just talking about what a God-send Rebecca has been to us. The other aides are fine and get the job done, but they don't spend the time and talk to mom and love her like Rebecca has done. She will surely be missed.
When we got mom out of the shower, we could see that she was having a hard time breathing...very labored. Rebecca said she was going to call the nurse and let her know how she was.
Mom slept most of the day...woke up around 1:00, and I fed her a few spoon fulls of soup. I got her to the bathroom, but as soon as she was back in her chair she was asleep again.
She slept most of the afternoon. Cheryl came by to see how she was doing about 4:00. She listened to her heart and lungs and tested her oxygen level. She said she has fluid in her lungs which is causing her to breath faster to try to get enough air.
I asked her what we could do for her and how we could treat it. She said " are you sure you want to?" I was like WHAT? of course if what she has is treatable, we want to treat it! She said "Why?.....you know pneomonia is a friend to old people....she is not in any pain and would just sleep and sleep till she goes."
Oh man....that is not a decision I will make. I had a meltdown when she said they would support us in what ever way we decided to go. She said if the infection is viral, the antibiotic won't help, but if it's bacterial, it may help. I told her to go ahead and call in the antibiotic and I would call my sisters to get their input.
I called Teina and told her what Cheryl had said. She also didn't feel good about not treating her. I called Leslie and Teina called Brenda to let them know what was going on.
I picked up her prescription and had her take one. I tried to get her to eat some dinner, but after a few bites of mashed potato's, she said she was going to throw up. I think she was just coughing so hard, everything just came back up.
About this time, mom's visiting teacher called to talk to her. She is such a sweet heart and has called several times while mom has been here to see how she was doing and to give her the visiting teaching message....now that's a good visiting teacher. I told mom who it was and put the phone up to her ear...she knew who it was and tried to talk to her, but couldn't get a word out without coughing. I could hear Sharon telling her to not try to talk...just to get feeling better and know that I love you!... (me bawling again...) I heard her say to put Paula back on the phone now, so I took the phone. Sharon said she could hear that mom was in a bad way and would remember her in her prayers and check on her in a day or two.... she said "you know your mom is a real special lady... now we were both bawling....yup...I know that without a doubt.
I gave mom another dose of morphine and after about a half hour, her cough has quieted down and she is sleeping.
I have always known that this is inevitable, but have put it in a deep dark corner in my brain that I don't like to visit. Your mom is always there...right? Who do you go to when you have a problem or something good happens...your mom of course. God's way of preparing us for this is kind and loving...she slowly over the years has become the one who needs our care instead of her caring for us. I guess we have been lucky that way to not have her suddenly taken from us like daddy was. It's given us all time to try let the thought of her leaving us and going to be with daddy ease into our hearts. I know mom is ready to go...now I need to somehow get myself ready too.