Disclaimer:  This post is full of whining...do not read if you are easily annoyed
I know I really shouldn't complain, but these past few weeks have really been kicking ny butt.  I get to sleep pretty easily, but then about 2 am, I'm wide awake... and I wake up with my heart pounding and in a total sweat.  I throw off the covers and any pajamas I may have been wearing and just lay there waiting for it to pass. When it does, then there I am, drenched in sweat.   gross.  I'll get up and get a drink and come back to bed, hoping to be able to fall back asleep.  Not happening.  After I lay there for about a half hour, I finally grab my book and night light and try reading myself to sleep.  (too bad the book I'm reading "heaven is here" is not one bit boring.) After a while...lets see, last night it was about 4:30, I start to doze off.  Then 15 minutes later, Kelley's alarm goes off!  Awesome!
I really hate to take sleeping pills.  I don't know if that was instilled in me by my mother or just my own paranoia of becoming addicted.  Mum used to take 1/4 of a sleeping pill....this was back when she was having different health problems though..probably 20 years ago, and that did the trick for her.
Anyway, I've gotten this prescription for Ambian from Dr. Roth ( after Camille told him about my sleeping problems) but, I've been sending most of them to Kate.  (She is having a real hard time sleeping too.)
I would save a few out of the bottle for emergencies, but rarely took them. 
Well after about 3 nights, like this one described above, I couldn't take it anymore and took 1/2 of an Ambian.  The first time I took it, I slept all night!  and the next night too!  It was wonderful!  I wouldn't wake up groggy or anything!  So then I thought, well maybe now, my body knows how to sleep all night, so I didn't take one...and I woke up, like clock work, at 2.Ahhhhhhh
So then ( and this is the bad part) I decided to just take them again.  Only this time I woke up in the middle of the night, having terrible hot flashes.  So I guess it's like people warned me...you keep having to take more and more to make them work.  ( not to mention the psychotic dreams they give me...not cool)
I think I'll call Dr. Roth and see if he can do anything for me...last time I saw him, things weren't so bad as they are now, and we decided I could get through this menopause thing without any hormone replacement.  All I know is that I've got to get some sleep...it's starting to wear me down.  I've had several incidents lately of really unstable behavior....for instance:
Sunday morning, I didn't wake up till 8:30...this was the result of being awake from about 3-6 the night before.  Anyway, I woke up in a total panic.  Had to shower and wash my hair ( after about 5 saturating hot flashes in the night)  So I hurried really fast!  Next thing I look at my watch and it's 8:45.  Oh my gosh....I'm going to be late, and I can't be late!  I have to put up the numbers and lead the opening song!  I tried to find something to wear, but nothing was working...( don't know where my shoes are...where is my slip????)  I seriously thought I was having a heart attack and just sat down on the floor and cried.    Come on!  Pull yourself together! 
I gave myself  a few minutes to cry it out, then I got up and put on a white skirt with a white top....no slip and shoes that didn't match my temple outfit.  oh dear, I didn't even care.  I tore out the door and flew up to the church.  Ran up the isle just as Josh was getting ready to start the meeting.    Thank goodness Brother Clay put up the numbers for me!  ( I know Kelley would have too)  I was quite a frazzled mess as I led the music, but then I look out at all the people and they are smiling at me!   I think, " These people are awesome!  They don't judge me... why am I so hard on myself?"
Anyway, I guess it's the lack of sleep that intensifies my lack of self esteem and and decision making ability...oh that was another good one.  Yesterday I was stopped at JoAnns on my way home from racquetball to get some stencils for making these posters for the yard sale.  First of all, I couldn't find any stencils...then I asked a lady there and she showed me 4 different places where they had stencils.  So now I had all these different stencils to pick from....so many different ones...and then there was these cool stick on letters...a whole other section of foamy stick on letters...florescent letters...glittering letters...oooooo and poster boards with  lights on them?  I had waaaaaaaay too many options and it was just too much for me. I looked at them for at least 45 minutes.  I know the ladies working there thought I was a psycho.  I thought I was a psycho.   I started having a hot flash/panic attack.    I grabbed the first one's I had looked at and headed for the check out.  I have never been a good decider, but really?  over poster boards and stencils?
Oh, p.s. something that will NOT ease my anxiety at night...Dr. Bradley called yesterday to tell me that one of the moles they did a biopsy on last week was not ok.  They are going to have to take out the area around the mole.  Man that is a phone call I have night mares about.
This mole has been bothering me since he took it off and hasn't healed up good.  It was all red and inflamed and I thought it might be infected.  I told dr. Bradly about it, and he's calling me in some anti-biotic.
I'm sure glad it wasn't one that he took off my face.
Well that's enough complaining.  I sure do have much to be thankful for ...these are just silly little things compared to the challenges others face...all I have to do is look around to see that.  Just had to get it off my chest.